Encouraging Modesty - How much is too much?

There's around a 70% chance that you might've already disagreed with my negative outlook in the title. If not, then you're probably a bit more open minded and curious than I assumed. If you did, however, I still urge you to read on as I address a quite overlooked issue caused by a seemingly innocent chain of interactions. Also, something to keep a note of beforehand: since this doesn't affect a very sizable percentage of people, on the off-chance that you're unable to relate to this fully it's still recommended that you don't disregard these points totally.

 

Complementing kids for being modest and thoughtful of others since their early years is often encouraged and is seen as a great way to provide incentive for better grooming in the hopes that they become a 'Good Samaritan'. However, the actual underlying 'venom' lies with people being oblivious to the other side of the coin.

 

It all starts off with daisies and sunshine, but when unchecked, it is also capable of slowly eating away on them. As a wise man once said, 'Kids are friggin stupid’. Now, disregarding the fact that it's a universal truth, it should be noted that it's precisely because kids are young and impressionable that we need to be wary of their perspective of understanding rather than ours. 

 

Growing up, the child takes interest in the fact that seems that they're doing something good by being modest. Their drive? Of course the big responsible adults, including their own parents, who commend them and give them the attention and sense of accomplishment they crave. Now, of course this does incorporate different elements in different kids depending on their environment and how they decide to take in and adjust for this but I’ll be discussing a single case here. (Feel free to reach out and express yourself) 

 

Bored yet? Great! Let's continue nonetheless.

Story time :

'S' was a kid raised by doting parents who encouraged him into adopting disciplined mannerisms since his early childhood whilst also trying to make sure not to constrain his childish freedom. 

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Out of these, he felt that showing modesty and holding back with a generous smile was something that earned him a lot of appreciation for seemingly little effort. Combined with his moral compass, this slowly became a part of his normal personality.

'This is what everyone appreciates. This is what makes them happy. Then this is what is right. Then this is what I must be.’

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Always optimistic, with a child's flair fresh in his mind, he easily gets along with a lot of friends; still carrying forward with the 'core' he's idealized. Always casually putting his friends before him and sometimes skipping out on a few childhood pleasures with a smile. It's okay. There's always tomorrow.  'This is what everyone appreciates. This is what makes them happy. Then this must be what is right. Then this is how I should be.’ 

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Holding a cheery, but slightly calmer smile, with an amiable aura still around him, he still finds fascination in exploring new horizons and seeing the world through a colorful lens. Still protecting and acting according to the ‘core’ he idealizes. He is happy to lend his presence to others in his circle whenever he can and always tries his best to harmonize with others. He doesn’t mind diverting from his own desires for the same. It’s fine, there’s still tomorrow, and his friends are there for him.

'This must be what everyone appreciates. This is what makes them happy. Then this should be what is right. Then this is how I should act.’

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Bearing an optimistic eagerness, with a slightly dulled smile, his amiable demeanor now a bit obscured, he still holds on to his moral compass. His usual social circle seems smaller. Maybe it’s because they prefer being in groups for their own interests and talks, he thinks. He continues to enjoy living his life, sometimes still generous with diverting from his own comforts to adjust with his peers, this time however, a glint of guilt makes itself known in his eyes. A subtle discomfort bubbles up inside that he chooses to ignore. He feels a bit distant within his own group. Nah, just his imagination, he thinks. Its okay there’s still tomorrow.

'This must be what everyone appreciates. This should make them happy. Then this should be what is right. Then this is how I should behave.’ 

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Still holding up an optimistic outlook, he gradually begins to acknowledge the ever-growing feeling of discomfort. He knows not what this mysterious feeling is. He still tries to uphold the thing he used to know as his ‘core’. He’s been ignoring the light rebukes from his parents and close friends, telling him to at least prioritize himself sometimes. Why would he? Don’t all the adults adore him for that quality? Don’t all his friends appreciate him for it?

 

Curiosity, a parasite that always shoehorns its way into human thoughts.

 

 He recalls, feeling his presence slowly diminish, his actions gradually losing acknowledgement, his value becoming seemingly nil. He spends days, months, years…..thinking about it whilst his individuality crumbles into an unknown abyss.

 

He finally acknowledges and identifies the ever-growing discomfort: insecurities

 

A whip of realization lashes at him, inevitably giving him a harsh reality check. The vast amount of time he spent contemplating and behaving as what he now terms as a grand act of foolishness frustrates him to unbound lengths. It’s unfair; this shouldn’t have been this way; it’s cruel; why was there no one to guide him? ; was it his fault? For the first time, he smashes his core and allows it to crack open, realizing within the depths of retrospection, the causation of his contemporary scenario. However, time gone is time lost now. A wave of regret and hollowness comes smashing through like a certain truck infamous for sending people into an afterlife. His days of being sheltered are almost at their end. He doesn’t have enough time to reform. There is no tomorrow.

'This wasn’t what they appreciated. This probably didn’t even make a difference to them. This isn’t what’s right. This...is not who I am supposed to be.’

 

This, although not common but not insignificantly rare at the same time, is the unfortunate series of misunderstandings in an innocent endeavor gone wrong that hampers the personalities and lives of many people, often also causing social anxiety and ineptitude as well as self-destructive behavior in some.

I hope to reach out with a clear message with this. Instilling genuine kindness and generosity into people is extremely vital for better upholding the moral code of society as a whole. However, burdening oneself by overdoing it or totally disregarding others’ goodwill is something that can cause more harm in the long run than one would think and hence, needs to be checked.

Remember. It all can start with you. You and only you can make a difference.